I am in the midst of a pretty bad depressive episode and I thought this would be a good time to write about what depression feels like (to me). I think there are things that other people will be able to relate to or that might help them identity the effects of depression that they may not have recognized in their personal lives. I'm sure there are things here that others will not have experienced at all and things that people experience that I have not listed. It's a great opportunity for conversation about how depression effects each of us.
Depression feels like stamina drain
Have you ever played a video game in which your character has a stamina bar? The stamina bar measures, well, stamina, meaning your character's energy reserve. You use this energy to perform certain attacks, carry heavy loads, or run or climb. The more stamina you have, the more you can do. As your character levels up, the maximum stamina increases. Sometimes, something may happen to lower your stamina pool, your total possible stamina. This means that each, attack for example, uses a greater percent of your total stamina and you become fatigued more easily.
The point of this example is that is the best way to explain the "tired" feeling associated with depression. I feel like my maximum stamina is very low. I feel over encumbered from just the weight of my body. Just getting out of bed or making a sandwich or taking a shower might deplete my total stamina reserve leaving me fatigued while my stamina slowly increases.
This doesn't just effect my physical ability; my brain is also impacted. My thought process is slow and clunky. I have a hard time processing information and finding the words to respond. I feel dumb. Reading is hard for me when I'm depressed. My comprehension sucks. ( That's why TV is so great. Trash TV doesn't require my brain to do anything.)
I am slower. I am quieter. I am weaker. I just don’t have the energy.
Depression feels like I’m going crazy
When I experience the one-two punch of depression and anxiety spikes I feel like I’m overloading. I NEED to curl up in a ball and cry and at the same time I have all this nervous energy that MUST be used. I will literally bounce on the balls of my feet. It annoys my husband. I feel like I might burst though my skin. I feel like a tea kettle going off. I need to scream. I need to run. I need to hide. I need to sleep. I need to cry. All these different signals going to my brain at the same time make me feel like I’m going to lose it.
Depression feels like a negative voice
At some point you've received a text and you’re not sure how to take it. Is it sarcastic? Is it angry? What exactly do you mean by “ok.” and is that period a sign that you're upset? Depression is the voice that tells you to read it the worse possible way. They are upset and it’s your fault. Then you go back and reread the previous texts and find evidence to back that up and before long you are pretty sure you’re breaking up/getting fired/being disowned when all the other person did was agree to the restaurant you suggested for dinner.
Depression feels ugly
It’s just hard to feel pretty or sexy when you’re depressed. It’s also hard to feel smart, strong, capable, successful… you put on whatever is the opposite of rose colored glasses. You might be able to look in the mirror and actually acknowledge you look pretty, but feeling it is different and it’s hard.
Depression feels yucky
Food is terrible. I don’t want it. It doesn’t taste good. It doesn’t bring pleasure. It also makes me nauseated.
Depression feels like I am not in control of my brain
Intrusive thought: “an unwelcome involuntary thought, image or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate.”
-Wikipedia
An example: I was thinking about cutting off my arm with a chop saw. Didn’t want to. Couldn’t stop. It sucks.
Depression feels like I need a drink
Yes. Self medicating is a thing and it’s a bad thing and a helpful thing. I enjoy a drink at the end of a crappy day or to celebrate or with dinner or brunch. The point is, I have no problem drinking. BUT when I NEED a drink, I try to not drink. For me, the risk of dependence is too high to risk it.
Depression feels like I really need to cry
I can’t cry. I’m not entirely sure why, but I don’t cry very often. I can cry during a movie or a sappy commercial on TV, but I don’t tend to cry for real things. I really think if I could cry, I’d feel better. Feel free to try your hand at arm chair psychiatry if you want, I’ve got a good therapist who can handle this.
Depression feels like I need a hug
I tell my husband I need to be squished. He will lay over me and put some of his weight on me. It help. No clue why. Maybe I should get one of those weighted blankets. Big bear hugs help, too. In the TV show Pushing Daisies Chuck says a hug is “an emotional heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.” There is truth there. Also, watch Pushing Daisies. It is perfect.
Depression feels like being in a ball
My body tends to close up when I’m depressed. My jaw is tight, my back hunches, my shoulders round. My hands and my feet tense up. I end up in the fetal position quite often.
Things that help me
Nature. A solo hike or walk along a trail do me so much good. Throw in some deep breathing and it's better than Xanax. I benefit from getting my heart racing and from a slow walk in which I focus on seeing what's around me. Either way, that time alone and away from stress of daily life, is definitely one of the best things I can do for myself.
Deep breathing. I push my shoulders back to open my chest, close my eyes, and breath. It’s so good. I feel calm and I feel like I'm opening up my heart to allow love and peace in.
Yoga. It helps me get out of my head and it helps with the physical aspects of depression. I stretch out my muscles and release the tension in my body and in my jaw. Seriously! My jaw!
Guided meditation. Gets me out of my head and breathing. It helps me relax my body. I use guided meditation specifically because I have something to bring my focus back to if my mind begins to wander. When anxiety and racing and intrusive thoughts are less of an issue, meditation works just as well.
Quiet time with God. Helps me to take my focus on myself and the immediate. Helps me to look at the eternal and reminds me that I have come through bad times before and I will again. I am also reminded that God can use me even when I’m broken.
Time alone with my guy. I don’t know how to explain this other than to say that time with him heals my soul.
Therapy. I’ve learned a lot in therapy when I’m not depressed that helps me when I am. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is my preferred coping mechanism. It works for me because I'm pretty logical and so is it. Also, because I am currently IN therapy, I have someone who can help me work through specific issues and give me new techniques to cope.
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| Nature! <3 |
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